Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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