My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Randomize
