I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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