my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
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