I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
