He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
My brain says no but my pants say off.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
