she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
