I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
