Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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