It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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