I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
