So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
