If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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