Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
