Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
