speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
