Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
