census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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