I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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