My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
tequila makes me forget i have legs
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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