i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Did I show you my penis last night?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
