the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
