He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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