Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
