she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
