Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
