There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
