Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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