In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
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