it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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