Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Randomize
