i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
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