Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
