speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
