my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
