Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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