I cannot find my penis.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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