my phone needs a breathalizer
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
