So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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