come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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