Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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