the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
