I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
