I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
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