Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Randomize
