im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
