The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
