Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Sorry about my life...
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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