I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
