Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
