I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Randomize
